Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Not what we were hoping for...

I know I wasn't planning on coming back online until after the holidays, but I guess that's because I planned on having good news...and I don't.  I had my blood test today, and it was negative. :(   I can't really describe how disappointed I am.  

When we first started down this road last summer I was so optimistic.  I thought without a doubt that if we had something to transfer...that it would stick.  Now after two failed cycles, I am starting to worry.  Starting to get terrified...that this might not work afterall.  

I look at Macy and I keep telling myself that we have to find a way.  We HAVE to.  Her life depends on this.  But it has been so much harder than I thought it would be.  I'm not talking about the shots, or all the appointments....I mean emotionally when you find out your cycle failed.  That my body failed us.  And even how financially draining it is.  Our life savings, 401(k)'s, personal loans...all gone.  At the end of all this if we end up with a baby it doesn't matter how much money it costs.  It'll be totally worth every penny.  But if we walk away with nothing I think I will be devastated.  

This cycle was a complete rollercoaster ride.  Starting out with a cyst on my left ovary.  Never had one before but IVF meds can cause them so it was probably due to my last cycle.  Luckily it was small so we started anyways.  Egg retrieval was scheduled for about Dec. 1st because the IVF coordinator said people usually respond quickly in this different protocol I was trying this time.  Halfway through and I only had 3 measurable follicles on the right, and about 6 on the left.  That wasn't near good enough so it was a tough day.  They upped my meds (doubled per day from the last cycle) plus added 2 more meds in.  The day that I was supposed to trigger came and went.  The day I was supposed to have egg retrieval came and went.  And I was still stimming, worried and nervous if we would get enough.  Having to keep buying more and more meds which we were not prepared for.  My meds were $400.00 per day, and I ended up stimming for 14 days.  UGH!!!

In the end my ovaries came through for us and they retrieved 23 eggs.  The next day we found out that 20 were mature, and 18 fertilized.  We were very happy with that number.  Elated actually! It was almost double of what we had last time.  Three days later the nurse called and said 15 made it to be biopsied.  We were still excited, and thought it may be possible to have even 2 healthy matches this time.  Maybe even 3.  I started dreaming of twins or triplets...and was so excited!  

We arrived on transfer day early as usual.  When the nurse came out she shook her head.  For a moment I felt ill, thinking we didn't have anything to transfer.  But she said they didn't have the results in yet.  So she brought us back, we sat in the room and waited.  About a half hour or so later she came back in telling us to get our gowns on and we were ready to go.  I kept asking Adam if he thought that meant we had something???  His guess was as good as mine.  After getting ready the Dr. came in with the report.  He said we had 1 healthy (FA free) match.  We had another match; but it had FA.  Once again, we were so thankful to have something to transfer.  There were two more that were healthy, but they could only confirm they were HLA matches on the maternal side.  As we were discussing those the lab director came in and said that those were out because they degenerated.

So we transferred our 1, and were very hopeful.  Unfortunately, being hopeful doesn't make an embryo hatch out of it's shell and implant.  So here we are.  Not pregnant.  It just stinks.  The hard part is usually when couples are doing IVF the Dr. can pick out the very best embryos to transfer.  In our case, we are at the mercy of what (if any) are a healthy match.  Regardless, of whether that embryo is good quality or not.  Or is even still growing at all.  That's the one we have to transfer (well...obviously we wouldn't transfer it if it arrested already).  Our first cycle the one we had was only okay quality.  This time it was a good quality embryo but was only an early blast.  So who knows.  

Hoping third time is the cycle probably around March.

take care,